A few days ago I ran out of olive oil, which is the one I always use to anoint the guards’ candles, it got bad I don’t know why. Today between some things and others I could not go to buy more and as it did not seem right to stand guard without dressing the candle. As in my house it is cooked with sunflower oil, things from my mother’s stomach, I have had to improvise. I have started to rub it with thyme, which is associated with Ella. As it still seemed little, I put thyme in the cauldron with the intention of burning it, so I made two offerings in one: fire and thyme. Since I was afraid that I wouldn’t get it right, I would give her alcohol to help it get better.
So far more or less normal but what has made me crazy has been what happened in the cauldron. To light it without burning I took a toothpick and threw it into the cauldron. I was concerned that the flame was too blue but occasionally red flares would come up, many of them three by three and getting bigger and redder. Suddenly I started to hear a noise and thought that the iron cauldron had not been able to withstand so much heat or something and it was breaking somewhere. I look at it everywhere and it’s fine. The noise grows louder and suddenly a great flare emerges converging towards the center from the edges of the cauldron. It seems that I was pouring alcohol, I did it almost in the dark to start the guard ritual and I don’t know exactly how much I poured. Well, alcohol mixed with thyme and began to boil, that had never happened to me, in life. I felt Hecate’s power, her offering, She in me, in the fire, around, everywhere. Every time the flame was bigger and I started to feel fear. and in the end I had no choice but to pour water into the cauldron when fear completely overcame me because the flare almost reached the meter.
For me the most curious thing has been how at the moment when the flames began to grow large I have felt the presence of Hecate everywhere, as he drank from the flames. And now I am not sure if I felt fear in the face of such a great energy that I have rarely felt so uncontrolled or in front of the possibility of burning or a mixture of both. What I can say is that something else has burned in there for a moment.
A few days ago I was diagnosed with secondary alexithymia. It is a disease that makes you lose consciousness of your own emotions, or at least it is how it manifests itself in my case, there are quite a few possible combinations according to the psychologist. It has arisen for me because there are many things in my life that are taking me too far and something inside me has said that it is better to survive and has said that for my sake it is better to stop being aware of some things. I feel some things and others do not, many times I know that I am more depressed by how I have behaved, analyzing things that I have done without being fully aware that I was taking them to do them. The fact is that I still feel things but I do not realize it, but I am also not able to decipher or be aware that others may be feeling, although I may know later if I do not analyze rationally.
Today after that fire that almost infuriates me I have been able to cry a little, I have taken part of what I feel but that for my own survival my mind has decided to block the way. I hope that fire is the signal that things are going to change soon and when some of the life pressures that are tormenting me are resolved or relaxed I can begin to face my own emotions. According to the doctor, when some of the great things that worry me are being solved, I will regain consciousness of everything, or at least that is what should happen. Hecate today opened a path, burned one of the barriers for things to improve, or at least he told me that things can be solved. I have never felt so fortunate to have made a mistake that could have ended in fire. Don’t do this at home please.
SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE. DO NOT FIRE ALCOHOL IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SURE YOU CAN CONTROL THEM. AND MORE IMPORTANT YET. IF YOU DO THEM, DON’T DO AS I DO AND SHUT THEM OUT WITH WATER, A FIRE CREATED WITH ALCOHOL MUST BE STOPPED BY FOCUSING IT, THAT IS, COVERING IT OR ENTERING IT WITH SOMETHING NOT FLAMMABLE.